Connected with Survivors and doing fine!

Thanks to so many of you for your heartfelt expressions of encouragement…your loving and healing prayers are greatly appreciated. Please know that we (my family and I) are all doing fine. Initially it was all very challenging absorbing the news (not too surprising). And I hit a serious, tear-filled low after looking at the internet (stupidly) and seeing something (I thought might relate to me) referencing "eight year" survival. The good result is that it caused me to release my grief and (along with a few friends advice) made me recognize "I need help" at which time I extended myself into a cancer survivor therapy group and then private counseling. This last week was filled with therapy class, doctor appointment, private counseling session and the start of radiation therapy…so it was a very busy week.

To be honest, the hardest part for me was the down-time waiting to start therapy and engage with other survivors. While I waited, I spoke with a few dear friends and received emails or blog posts which offered great encouragement. I also had a wonderful "lunch on the beautiful Columbia” with a friend. I was able to release the tears of fear in order to leave fear behind and find my happy place. The tears were familiar to me….the depth of which was similar to the loss of my Mother….the tears of “grief”. I suppose it is a grief for any predisposed ideas about what my “life” and how many things have changing and out of my control. It is facing my mortality and then trying to come up out of the dark place to find a daily “in the moment” sense of life today. Reality is that none of us ever really can know (or control) how the future will unfold. What I can control is what I do with each day. I have been able to share tears and share my fears in a gentle and loving way with the girls….letting them know it is normal and ok to feel the fear….and we are all choosing to walk with it anyway!

All in all, I feel great now. I feel centered and prepared to handle what ever and where ever this path will lead me. I chuckled as I said to my counselor “the Doctor, he didn’t do me any good” on Thursday…why? Because he can't give me firm answers either. Every question you want answered…the biggest one, How long will I live? Will I live? As I even thought of them I recognized immediately they were sort of dumb questions to ask…he doesn’t know. Nobody knows do we. No crystal balls…and would we really even want to look? I feel content now. 'm just stepping forward into life daily, focusing on what I need to or can do today. Getting done all that I can or feel up to (no side effects from radiation from first couple treatments). Letting go of what I didn't get done today as I’m planning on a tomorrow and still have my big life picture in mind. The best part for me is now I have outlets with which to share directly with other survivors, a personal counselor (and survivor herself) who is super and a great circle of family and friends....how blessed am I!

By the way, the daily trips are quick and simple. Radiation appointments are quick (15 minutes) each and you are in and out….amazing to think every weekday Providence is running three of these machines on fifteen increment appointments. I am fortunate that the center is so close to home. Providence is comfortable for me and has a feeling of family….in some respects a home away from home however sad but true….and currently, the various appointments are just part of my life schedule for the next month.

So radiation treatment now and next on the horizon is Seattle or Nebraska. Apparently, there is some leading “lymphoma research” happening at these centers” which means, according to Dr. Nichols, "they have access" to some new therapies coming down the pike..."antibody" therapies which might be helpful in fighting/controlling (?) my resistant lymphoma. Although Nebraska has also been mentioned it sounds most likely Seattle will be first. I expect to hear more about this in a couple weeks. For now, I will not worry about it. I will go where I need to go when I need to go there and let my doctor do his job....he's the expert. I have every confidence in him that he is and will do everything he knows. That he will use every resource he has available. It is comforting to know he, also, is one of the leading Lymphoma Specialists in the United States...who better to guide me down a path for which I am blindfolded as it is all foreign to me.

So, in the meantime, I'm working on my show calendar to keep business (and income) moving and, most importantly, doing things with my girls. In fact, we're going to brave the crowds tomorrow and go to the Grand Floral Parade! I'm so looking forward to enjoying the floats up close. Its been years and I can remember actually helping put on the flowers, seeds, etc. as an early teen in Rainbow Girls (very hard work but spectacular to be part of – our organization received like $300 – in 1972ish- so we considered a great fundraiser). As with many of you I’m sure, I am also busy making summer plans, Margaret coming in July and August, possibly a beach trip (waiting on a friend who owns a home to let me know if we can use it at the end of August), and so on.

Enjoy all this spectacular weather....and even the storms! Sort of like life...never know when the storms will come but enjoy every minute as it is just adds a new experience in life.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUPPORT US IN RELAY FOR LIFE? Don't be surprised if you hear from me to make a tax-deductible charitable donation ($5 or $50, no matter the size, it all counts) to the American Cancer Society Relay for Life. I’m adding my and the girls personal Relay for Life website in the links section. Yes, the girls and I (along with many of my PartyLite friends) are doing the Wilsonville Relay for Life on June 19-20th. I hope you choose to support us!